Hello Ego.

Also known as “the I”.
The eyes through which you see the world, if you will.
That quiet but never silent voice in your head that tells the ever evolving story of your life and desperately tries to make sense of it all, in a world that revolves around only you. It gives you a reason for all things. Tells you who you are and why you’re here.
Keeps you safe. Comfortable. Makes sure you’re swiftly alerted of anything that seems painfully familiar.
Sounds nice, doesn’t it?

It’s that big picture friend that always focuses on getting a grasp of the overall plotline, to find the common thread throughout, to notice the patterns.
It get’s awfully good at all this overtime and eventually comes to believe it’s capable of not only perceiving the present but also predicting the future.
It often ends up seeming like it too, but what actually tends to happen is more accurately described as a common case of cause and effect.

For example, when a friend is going through a rough patch and forgets to call when they said they would the ego might say “we’ve been here before, people always leave you hanging”. This might then cause you to pull away from said friend and, just like that, fulfill the prophesy. In reality though, them not reaching out had nothing to do with your beloved ego’s story at all.

We all have one, an ego, and I’m pretty sure they’re all working overtime, because to make sense of this mess of a life must be a full time job.
I’ve decided I’m going to cut mine some slack.
Hell, maybe even give her a day off every once in a while. God knows she deserves it.

I still very much like for things to make sense, but I’m slowly coming to the conclusion that sometimes they just don’t, and in these moments there is a certain freedom found in accepting the utter randomness of it all.
That there is a somewhat strange sort of peace that comes once you let go of trying to figure out and control where things are going and instead simply allow them to play out, at their own pace, in their own time.

The ego doesn’t seem to like this way of living at all and at times she even gets real’ loud about it, but we’re working on sitting with those feelings, her and I. Sometimes we just take a deep breath or two and realize that whatever is happening might have nothing to do with us at all, and we don’t have to understand. I think I get it now. When it comes down to it, she’s really just scared and I know very well how that feels.

I’d like to say that I know who I am and my ego certainly insists that she knows exactly, but I’m also warming up to the idea that maybe I don’t really need to know. Not fully, anyway.
Maybe life is supposed to be about discovering who we are, over and over and over. About growing, expanding, adding, extracting.
If I’m too attached to who I believe myself to be today I might just be holding myself back from who I could become tomorrow, and I don’t want to do that.

People around me are always changing and that’s what makes them interesting. You might think you know someone inside out and then suddenly you discover a new facette of them you’ve never seen before and just like that, they are new and interesting all over again. It’s my favourite thing. I never want to stop discovering the people I love, so why should I ever stop discovering myself?

I haven’t been able to find any valid reason to settle for this current version of me. Not that I don’t love her, because I do. I even like her, a lot. But I’m not done changing and I doubt I ever will be, so the only conclusion I can safely draw when it comes to my “I” is that she will never cease to surprise me.
If allowing her to freely grow means I and my ego need to make friends with uncertainty, then so be it.

Right now Uncertainty and miss Ego are on “don’t like you but tolerate being in the same room with you because we live in the same small town and can’t get away from each other” terms but you know, I’m confident we’ll all get there eventually.

(This post is in responce to the #escapril prompt Ego. I discovered this fun writing challenge a few days late so I’ll probably be picking and choosing from the prompts as I go. Join in if you like!)

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