I had a bad dream.

I had a dream I was fighting with my dad. It felt as if I was transported back into my teenage body, feeling small, hearing him talk me down behind my back, and I couldn’t take it. I’ve never fought with anyone else the way I always used to fight with him, and I hate fighting.
Anger scares me and I can’t stand raised voices but still, around him, I would over and over turn into the very thing I despised.
It’s a lot more rare now that I’ve grown up, but occationally he still falls back into his old ways, I still bite back
and I still hate it.

I’m not quite sure what I dislike most- the way I bare my teeth or how they chatter afterwards.

Every time, the aftermath is still raw panic, shaking and crying and I always have to become my own parent, turn to that terrified child inside and remind her to breathe. To tell her everything will be alright.
“It’s okay Hanna, you’re safe here. You are allowed to get angry. No one is going to hurt you. I’m here and I’m listening.”
All mantras I have on repeat.

I really have grown so much and when I now look at that little girl I can’t help but burst at the seams with pride. She has overcome so much and still, she’s remained soft and tender. I vow to protect that tederness, be it the death of me.

So, now I’m sitting here at 23, at the foot of my grown up bed, older but still feeling all those childhood feelings, all in the name of tenderness.
The feelings are familiar but they sit differently in my body than they did back then.
They no longer scare me.
Sometimes I do grow weary of them, wondering if they will ever fully leave me alone, but they are always quick to remind me that every time I let them in, they become a little bit lighter.
Every time I allow them to speak their voice grows softer, until what one day used to be a heartwrenching scream will be but a quiet whisper- a faint reminder of what used to be.

So I will feel it all, here in the golden light of the sunrise I will feel it, until every shadow is once again illuminated.
I will stare into the red river, the lavender sky and the fire resting above the horison until I can feel the color returning to my spirit and I truly believe that, once again, “everything will be alright”.

8 thoughts on “I had a bad dream.

  1. D. Wallace Peach says:

    Lovely, Hanna, and a powerful statement of your strength to overcome the baggage of your past. I was much older than you when I finally let go. It took time, and journaling, and a realization that neither I nor my father could undo the past no matter how much I wished it so. My choice was to carry it around, or drop it at the side of the road. My choice. So I did. Wishing you the lightness of being you deserve. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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