Honesty is a virtue that I think we all can agree on, something that we all see as good and desireble. Yet, so many of us are constantly being dishonest; to ourselves, to others and to God. Let me explain.
Now, in the name of honesty, I am going to be brutally honest with you. Most of what you are going to read is taken straight from the pages of my journal, straight from yeasterday’s conversation with the Lord. I’m letting you in on it, hoping that it will bless you and bring you closer to Jesus.
My best conversations with Him, where I hear Him the best, usually take place outside in nature. Being outdoors helps quiet my constantly running thoughts. Helps me listen. That is exactly what I did as I was walking to the store yesterday. Listened. Because I knew He wanted to tell me something. This is what He said.
“Hanna, I’m okay with you letting it all out. Letting out how you really feel. I can take it. I won’t break.”
He is safe. It is safe for me to express myself. Opening up to Him will not cause me pain. He is not afraid of my questions; He even has all the answers. Sometimes I don’t even need answers. Sometimes I just need to let it all out.
I realized that politely keeping everything in in the name of honesty actually prevents a deeeper connection from emerging. The most honouring thing I can give Him is my honesty. I will write that one again.
The most honouring thing I can give Him is my honesty.
That is how tuly deep connections with people are built, and same goes with your connection with God. When you, instead of pushing it down like you are used to, are deeply honest and express your heart. The deepest parts of it. When you give out something so precious and it is received. It is safe. You are safe.
“Hanna, I do not love you any less even if you express your heart to me. Your anger. Your pain. I’m sorry that is something you were not allowed to do. I’m sorry that you learned that letting it out was being a bad girl, disrespectful and proud. I’m so sorry that in those moments when you needed love the most, it was cut off. That is not how I love, darling. That is not how I love.
David is known for being a man after my heart, and he was brutally honest. He didn’t hold back. He understood something. He understood that once he was done pouring out everything built up in his soul, he could listen. Truly listen. Built up emotions are like a wall. A wall preventing you to hear correctly.
It is your spirit that is completely connected to me, and it is to your spirit I speak. To hear it, your soul has to be quiet. That can only happen by emptying it at my feet. I’ll take care of what comes out. It does not bother me. I am more concerned with what goes in.”
I am not going to pretend that I have it all figured out or that I know how to do it. To be honest, I don’t really know how to be angry. In the beginning of this year I hardly knew how to be sad. It was my way of protecting my very sensitive heart. That might sound good to some, but it is a big problem. Shutting down one emotion eventually shuts down all. You can’t pick and choose which ones to keep and which ones to get rid of. It is pretty much an all or nothing situation.
God wants us to be fully alive. To fully feel. God has really been awakening my emotions all over again this year. Sometimes it is confusing and I don’t even know what I am feeling. But truly feeling is wonderful. I don’t quite know how to do it all yet but at least I know that with Him, my heart is safe. I am safe. It is safe to be honest.